Ignore Oneness At Your Own Peril

         I was recently updating the text and writing an anniversary chapter for Every Man’s Marriage when I was astounded again at how little I understood about leadership in those early years of my marriage. I really believed I was doing a great job leading my marriage, even as I was simultaneously destroying every one of my dreams for matrimony.
         Men usually get their ideas on leadership from sports, politics and careers, but that top-down style of leadership isn’t the kind of leadership God calls us to in marriage. If you continue to lead that way, you’ll think everything is going along well when all the while your wife’s heart is being trampled by you. You won’t even know you’re doing it, but that won’t matter in the end. It is very likely that before long, you’ll be as surprised as I was when your wife levels a finger at you and says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to tell it to you straight. My feelings for you are dead.”
         Does your wife still desire sex with you, or are her desires fading? Have you noticed her feelings for you are changing, but she can’t really define for you what’s wrong? Take a look at Alec’s testimony below. Can you relate to some of the things Alec was sensing in his marriage before it collapsed?

         It was a rainy weekday, and I happened to be driving by a local Christian bookstore when I decided to stop in to look around. Like most bookstores, there were all kinds of books and various publications, along with many other gift items displayed.  For some reason, I went down a particular aisle and noticed a copy of your book Every Man’s Marriage on the bottom shelf.  After reading the title and the first few lines of chapter one, I knew this was the book for me. My wife Megan and I had been married eleven years and had been together for sixteen, but she had just told me almost the same thing that Brenda had said Fred, early in their marriage.
         Megan spoke these words to me last spring, around April. “Alec, I woke up one day and found I had no feelings for you. I don’t find you attractive anymore, and I don’t love you. I am completely numb towards you.” 
 I had noticed quite a difference in her just before this episode. She was acting distant from me, and she wasn’t enjoying any sexual activity—she’d been acting exactly as she said, quite numb. This went on for several more months. I continually asked her, “What are issues? What do I need to do to help right our ship?” 
         Her answers to me were vague. “I just need time to work on myself, to try to find my feelings for you again.” 
 At first, I took her words at face value, but soon I began to worry about it all. She had never acted like this before, and she had never shown any signs distance towards me in the past sixteen years. In fact, I still have text messages from March telling me how much she loved me and how much she wanted more “private time” with me. I couldn’t figure anything out.
         Then one night, after bringing our two sons home from music lessons, Megan announced that she had something very important to talk to me about. She had fear and tears in her eyes, a horrible sign. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach wrenched, wondering what she was about to say. We left the boys in the kitchen eating dinner and went upstairs to be alone.
         She told me that she had met a man at our fitness center, and she had started a friendship with him. “Over time, we began exchanging emails and his wife had found out about it,” she began. “She contacted me and told me to stop with this relationship, or she’d tell you and the boys.” Megan went on to tell me that the emails were harmless, and that the other guy’s wife was making something out of these that they weren’t.
         Since I trusted her, I forgave her, and told her that we needed to get more urgent about rebuilding our relationship together. So the next day we went for a long walk with our dogs, and we shopped and spent a lot of time together. It felt like we were on our way to a new life together.
         But within a few days, the distance was back again, and she was acting cold and numb. By now it was early June, and her distance grew even more over the next few weeks. You see, my wife teaches dance and hip-hop courses at the fitness center and was asked to choreograph for the Miss Ohio pageant that took place in mid-June. She had to be away for several nights to participate in the event, and while she was gone I had an awful feeling that she was up to no good.
         The pageant just happened to be held the on the evening of our wedding anniversary. She had also put on a dance event earlier in the week with some of the students in her class. Since it was our anniversary week, I had asked if I could attend both of these events, but she had said no. “I won’t have any time for you,” she said. “I’ll be way too busy.”
         That made sense, so didn’t push the matter, but I was still concerned. My sons and I attended church on Father’s Day, the morning after the pageant. Megan was there when we got home, but she was acting strangely, as if she was on some “high” from her trip away. She brushed it off, telling me, “I’m still buzzing from last night! The show went great…in fact, the entire week was great!” She was ecstatic, which was understandable, but somehow it seemed strange, too. This wasn’t the Megan that I knew. This was somebody very different.
          Around 2:00 pm that same afternoon, Megan ran out to do some shopping, so I spent some time in the office on our computer. It just so happened that my wife had left her email account up and running. I read a number of emails from a particular guy that made it clear our problems were only beginning. The emails contained details of an emotional affair that had quickly turned into a physical one. While I had spent the entire week taking care of the boys and running them around to their camps, she had been off at the resort preparing for the pageant—and having an adulterous affair with this man. The emails also talked of previous encounters, and how much they felt for one another.
         I was simply crushed. The feelings that rushed through me are beyond description. I confronted her immediately when she got home, and until this day she has never shown remorse. She’s never said, “I am sorry.” She’s never said, “Please forgive me”. 
         She has told me she didn’t love me anymore and felt our relationship was over, which justified her actions, at least in her mind. I sat in the office for twelve straight hours, churning in pain and wondering how in the world she could have done this to our family. I found out that my in-laws had also noticed a complete difference in their daughter, and that they’d been concerned for some time, as well.
         It is now late September and Karen has filed for divorce, and I’ve been left wondering why. I found out that she is still together with her home-wrecker. They even have their pictures on a Facebook page acting like horny eighteen-year-olds. There are more twists to this story than even Hollywood could keep up with over the past number of months. I did everything a husband could do to save this marriage and to save my family, but it seems I have failed. We did counseling and I forgave the two of them for what they did. I even took the family on vacation to get away and to heal, but all to no avail. 
         After all this, who do you think has the most regret, guilt, and remorse over our relationship? I do, for after reading your book Every Man’s Marriage, I understand that I’m largely to blame for this affair, even though I didn’t know it at the time. I was the one who did not create oneness for us together as a couple. I didn’t nurture what we had together during those eleven years, and I didn’t communicate and reach out when I should have. I overlooked my wife, and I took her for granted. She was the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
         I failed her as a husband, and drove her into the arms of another man. It is hard to admit, but if I am to heal, I have to take my blame for this. The principles about marital leadership that you outline in your book came too late to make a difference for me. She was too far gone already, and the numbness had killed anything she may have felt for me. I never studied her to know how to serve her. I missed nearly everything your book suggests that a husband should do. As a result, I have not only lost my wife, but my family and career as well. Since learning of her affair, I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression. It affected my work performance, and I was let go from my sales position in early September. When it rains it pours!! 
         Please, let husbands know how important communication is in a relationship, and use my mistakes somehow to warn others. When everything collapsed that day, Megan told me something I will never forget, if I ever have a chance to be married again. She told me that this guy was a friend, a communicator, and someone who knew how to create intimacy with her.
         The truth hurts, but that is exactly what I was supposed to be doing for her as her husband, just as you talk about in Every Man’s Marriage. Husbands, you absolutely must create oneness with your wives, or you will end up like me. My marriage is over. Believe me, you do not want everything that goes with a broken marriage—the hurt, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and lack of focus—weighing heavy on your mind, because it will cost you your health, marriage, career, and family.
 
         If you are troubled about some similar evidence that you see in your relationship with your own spouse, perhaps your leadership style needs a makeover, like mine did. Don’t wait until it is too late. Every Man’s Marriage can go a long way in helping you understand what you need to know to ignite your marriage once more.